Having a Trauma Brain is Trash!

No for real, it's the worst

Ok, my second eye surgery is paid for! 

(Thank you community and incredible human who helped make it happen.) 

The day that I found out it was covered, I had $500 to my name and I had ONE JOB. 

ONE JOB - to save that money for anesthesia costs (why is this separate? Who cares) and to pay for a day nurse to take me to the appointment, stay with me and take me home. 

Because friends and family who can physically show up for you - lol what are those? 

My poverty/trauma brain instantly went “YES! I CAN DO THAT!” 

The gag is that my brain genuinely believed I could do it. 

It completely compartmentalized: 

•  Bills

• Food

• My inability to work thanks to my temporary disability (I’m down an eye) 

In my mind, it was fine because none of those other aspects of life existed in that moment. They literally did not exist in my reality. 

BUT IT’S FINE. 

That’s how my brain (which is wired from decades of trauma and poverty) often operates - it doesn’t make any damn sense. 

Reality where? 

While I’m fairly competent in a lotta areas, financial smarts ain’t one of ‘em. 

I’m a poor. 

 I can make $20 last for a week.

And yet, I can’t save for a future (insert anything) to save my life. 

I’m not bad with money. My problem with money is that I don’t have any. 

I was raised by my financially traumatized Mama to put out fires - not save for the future. 

As a result, here we are one mo’ time.

And while I’m working on rewiring my brain, I only recently became aware (after four decades) of why this was happening.

Healing takes time.

Surgery isn’t until October 9th so I have time to get the money together but that isn’t the point. 

The point is, I can’t live this way. 

I don’t want to have to choose between a bill, a basic need or my health. I want to build a financially stable life that even includes joy, dammit! 

My attempt to do this is through the creation of this newsletter.

If you have learned from, appreciated or enjoyed my writing, then please consider supporting my work with a paid subscription and sharing it with others.

There is a free option for occasional posts but I have a few other ideas for my paid folks. 

For example: A book club where we read Rest Is Resistance by Tricia Hersey.

I want this to be a space where we truly get to know each other and build community.

I’m tired of almost not drowning, I’m ready to live well. 

It’s time.