Death Over Dinner
Can We Talk?
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I don’t support AI art but this “eggplant” sparked joy in my weary spirit so here we are.
I recently came across a project called “Death Over Dinner.” My first reaction was that it appeared to be another ridiculous idea to entertain bored rich people. Then I set my cynicism aside and gave it a chance. Do you know what?
I’m in.
The project is an invitation. Folks are invited to gather at a dinner party where they have an open conversation about the difficult topic of death. Death is inescapable for every living being. And yet, this society hasn’t created space for us to voice our thoughts, fears or questions.
I am terrified of death. It’s primarily because there isn’t anyone on the other side that I want to see again. My fear is that I’ll be as lonely (if not more) over there as I am here. Where can I say that? Where can I tell the truth that I don’t want to see my mom again? Like, what in the actual fuck? Who says that?
But then I started to think. Why stop at death? What if we created space for other types of hard conversations?
I want to pause here but stay with me, I’ll circle back…
On Thursday I had my final eye surgery. I was thankful that a new local friend was able to take me. The previous times, the nurses were kind enough to give me rides home. They couldn’t believe that I genuinely didn’t have anyone. Once, an acquaintance drove me which I appreciated. However, the deep care wasn’t there.
This time was different.
My friend met me there, hugged me before surgery and didn’t appear annoyed when it took three hours longer than anticipated due to a machine malfunction.
She was unbothered but it freaked me out because “WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S BROKEN?” Whatever, it was fine. After surgery, they walked me out and she settled me in the car.
Her: I’ll take you home, get you comfy and then go buy you groceries. Ok?
Me: NO, I WANT TO GO WITH YOU.
Her: Ok, you can rest in the car while I shop.
Me: NO, PLEASE. I WANT TO GO INSIDE TOO.
I could barely walk or see straight and yet, I didn’t want to leave her side. She took my arm and I stumbled beside her while high out of my mind on drugs. I hadn’t had genuine care in months - I needed that time with her. She was gentle in saying she didn’t want to mother me too much. However, she probably had no clue that I was open to every ounce of mothering she had to offer. I don’t remember if I actually said that to her because VALIUM, but I don’t think so.
This is where “Death Over Dinner” comes back around.
Outside of a therapy session, in what space can I openly say “sometimes I need a friend to be a mom” without feeling humiliation or fearing a judgmental glance?
I want us to create spaces for these types of conversations.
-How can we express tender needs without shame?
-How can we nurture each other deeply in friendships?
-How can we openly communicate love in platonic relationships?
These are the conversations I want to have.
But nah because this emotionally disconnected society has made that uncomfortable for many of us.
I call bullshit.
We need each other. We need community. We need to talk.
And please be clear. My intention was never to turn my friend into my mother. She is my friend. However, there are times when I do need to be mothered.
And that’s ok.
Come over for dinner, let’s talk about it.
I’m so glad you had that experience. We do all need it, and we don’t have many spaces where we can say it. This inhumane society of our has done a good job at telling us that if we, as healthy adults, experience a need for platonic touch, mothering, true care there’s something wrong with us. Thank you for calling bullshit and for the important reminder that we need authentic community and authentic relationships, and some times we deeply need mothering.
I think this society is gravely deprived of good mothering, and it's a nurturing we all need to thrive. Good for you recognizing that need and sharing. It's unfortunate how many of us aren't taught how to mother ourselves in a healthy way, and moreover, how many us were failed by our own mothers and guardians to receive this loving concept in the first place. It's one the reasons I think we have a "Sibling Society" of misguided, immature adults with waning empathy. I hope conversations like this and more can help lead to more support for those who need it and for us to recognize a healthy Village has many mothers, fathers, aunties, and uncles to lead each other in kindness, love, and proper guidance. Asé! 🙏🏾