Yearning But Tired

Let's Take a Road Trip

*A reminder that the resource guide to support Palestine can be downloaded here. 

My keychain from Robin’s Road Trip to Freedom

This post is chaotic and wordy as hell, my apologies in advance…

I recently found this picture from 2011. I was 35. 

I remember taking this pic and thinking “I know it’s hard but please hold on, life will get better one day…” 

I had been staying with my aunt and uncle in Virginia. 

Prior to that, I was homeless in DC and lived in my car. 

Wait. How did you end up homeless?

Immaculate question. Let’s talk about it.

In 2008: 

• I was employed at a Fortune 500 company (10+ years)

• The company tanked from the recession 

• They terminated half my department

• The workload became unsustainable

• I put in 12 hour days / 6 days a week 

• I was exploited, exhausted and finally burned out

• One day I quit 

• I didn’t have a backup plan

• But I’m highly qualified, I work hard, I can find another job…

• But we were in a recession

• There were no jobs

• I lived on my 401K until it ran out

• I was evicted

• I became homeless

• I had to live in my car

Do you see how quickly that happened? 

For those without a safety net of support, there’s minimal hope to survive, recover or thrive in this harsh inequitable society. 

I’m an only child. My mother, who ended our contact with her family, had passed away. But I did have one kind uncle. We had quietly stayed in touch over the years. His wife, my mom’s sister, was not as kind. 

My mother ended contact for a reason.

My uncle (may his gentle soul rest in peace) invited me to stay for a few days. 

My body instantly rejected the idea.

But I needed a warm bed, a decent meal and to rest without fear for my safety. 

I reluctantly accepted. Saying yes was one of the worst mistakes of my life. 

What should have been a few days turned into an extended stay. My depression spiraled. I picked up a minimum wage job. I should have rented a room anywhere else but I was paralyzed in despair. My despair led to inaction. I’m ashamed at the length of time I overstayed my welcome.

Please understand, I didn’t stay out of comfort or complacency. I truly felt stuck in a swamp of sadness. I was unable to save my own life. 

While they were on a vacation, they told the gardener to relay a message: they wanted my Black ass out by the time they returned. 

And you know what? That’s fair. I deserved it. 

All I could say to myself was “this’ll be hard but please hold on, life will get better one day…” 

I called a friend for advice and she said “look at your situation. What you’ve done in the past hasn’t worked. Whatever you think you should do next, try the opposite.” 

Points were made.

I had planned to find a place to live. But fuck It - let’s take a road trip. 

Why a road trip? 

Another top tier question. Let’s discuss…

• I was really sad in Virginia (please see above) 

• A co-worker told me about Facebook

• I decided to force myself to be happy (that works, right?) 

• I started a (since deleted) page called Choose Happiness

• I posted what made me smile: tiny baby goats, pictures of macaroni & cheese, 70’s music…

• Within a year, 90,000 happy peeps had joined me

That that wasn’t the plan but lol, ok?

(I miss algorithm free online growth.)

We had a daily happy dance and regular threads of gratitude. It was a vibe. 

Anyway, I decided to invite the peeps to join me on the road.

I wrote a quick post and asked if anyone wanted to host me. A follower who owned a Bed & Breakfast in the Adirondacks invited me to stay for the weekend. 

I started in Suffolk, VA. That night, Robin’s Road Trip to Freedom headed to New York.

For the next nine months I traveled to nearly every state, drove seventy thousand miles from Virginia to California and stayed with over fifty “strangers” who opened their homes and their hearts to me. 

It was a magical, beautiful human experience - one you couldn’t pay me to do now.

A handful of stories from the road just ‘cause…

In Chicago I happened to drive past HARPO studios. There was a group outside waiting for a live taping of LifeClass. People had ordered tickets months in advance. I decided to slide in line with my no-ticket self because, why not? 

I landed a last minute seat with a perfect view. 

The topic: How secrets make us sick. 

In California, a voice in my headed refused to stfu. It kept whispering “find your dad” and lmao absolutely not. I’ve met this dude twice in my life. Why should I waste my time? Dammit, fine! A quick search and I had his address. The next day I was in Moreno Valley, CA outside his home. 

When he came to check his mailbox, I quietly called out with a shaky voice  “um hey, hi. It’s Robin, your kid? Do you remember me?” 

Not only did he remember me but he was happy to see me. The man I believed hated me my entire life cried tears of joy when he laid eyes on his child - the child he had kept secret. (Woah, that LifeClass was perfect.) He invited me inside where we talked for hours before I headed back on the road. We stayed in touch until his death a few years later. I sat in the front row of his funeral, with the children he did raise, at the request his wife. 

Life is short. Listen to the voice. Take the chance. 

But there were moments that broke me too.

One of the saddest was when I stayed with a woman in Colorado. She spent the day showing me her favorite places around town. We drank cheap beer and shared vegan junkfood. That night I heard a crash outside her apartment door. Kimberly had tripped on the stairs and broken her neck. She died in front of me. 

Her friends and I came together to decorate her door as a memorial. 

After nine months of the Road Trip, I landed on a random beach in Monterey CA. 

It was my birthday. I was 36.

The smile on my face? 

It was the first time in my entire adult life that I felt genuine happiness. I was grateful to be alive! I’ll remember that moment for the rest of my days.

But life has jokes. The very next next day I met my future ex-wife. 

I decided to end the road trip to be with her. Oh Robin, you sweet Summer child…

You were almost there, you were so close to yourself.

We were engaged two weeks later because lesbians. 

The marriage was trash. We divorced after five years but that’s not the point. 

Stay focused. 

The point is: that brief time on the beach continues to be my only moment of true happiness. If you offered me fifty-eleven million dollars to remember five times I’ve experienced joy in my life, I’d still be poor. 

My life has not been well lived. 

It’s been decades of constant trauma and/or crisis management. 

I turn 50 next year. 

I’m not confident I’ll be here to see it. 

I yearn to be in love with life but my spirit is tired.

• I’m stuck in a poverty Cycle of Suck™

• My body has broken down from stress

• Chronic loneliness causes me physical pain

I can’t even adopt a rescue pup that wants to be around me. (Love you, Nico.) 

I search for any damn reason to continue to exist but I can’t find one. How many years should I continue to hold on? I can’t live this way anymore. I don’t want to. My hope is that a move to Mexico will soften the edges of whatever years remain.

I never expected a wonderful life - that wasn’t intended for people like me. But a quiet life of contentment? That’s what I’ll hold on for. 

I don’t know why I wrote this post. 

What I do know is that since I’ve taken the heaviness out of my mind and shared it, it isn’t quite as heavy. 

Thank you for taking the ride with me. 

And the grainy captioned pictures? 

They’re from a terribly written, heartfelt self published book about my travels. Mayhaps I’ll take another pass at it after I finish my Poverty Sucks manuscript…

Here’s to the next (Mexico) road trip. 🇲🇽

*To those who feel called to support my wellness and continued writing, my hopeful heart thanks you. Please click here or the image to contribute to the “Help Robin Move to Mexico” campaign.