I make people uncomfortable because I’m not quiet about what hurts me.
I’m ok with that.
It’s been a harsh few days. A week? I don’t have any concept of time.
Kind folks reached out to ask if I wanted to talk. I appreciated it but, no. I didn’t need to talk.
I needed a lifeline.
I needed a hand to hold, not a faceless phone call.
I needed a human in person connection to remind me that I was alive.
Instead, I went within.
I slumped against a tree and let her hold me.
I called on my ancestors - the ones who are whole, healed and well.
I made a list of reasons to live - it was slim.
“I want a dog named Beans” was at the top.
Then I said fuck it and went to the movies.
I saw The Woman King.
(Say what you want about the film but don’t say to me because I don’t care.)
There was an older Black couple and their adult daughter a few rows ahead of me. It was just us. I quickly forgot they were there as I joined in the war cries of the tribal women and cursed out the enslavers.
At the end of the movie I fell to my knees and openly sobbed.
The ancestral rage, the present day grief, the cruelty we’ve endured - I couldn’t hold it in.
As I buried my head in my hands, I heard a voice say “take my hand, sister.”
I glanced up to see the older gentleman, his hand was outstretched across the seats. “I heard you back here, I felt you.”
I reached out and took the lifeline that I'd desperately asked for earlier that day.
After a few moments, his daughter sat beside me and asked if she could hold me. I was in her arms before she could finish the question.
Their acts of kindness saved my life.
This is why we’re called the Black Community.
We care for each other.
I ask for support (often) in an attempt to care for my own needs. It’s not my ideal situation as it makes me feel like an incompetent piece of trash.
With that said, what I ask for is always *just enough* to help put out a fire that’s about to consume me. A dire car repair, past due rent, an unexpected emergency…
What I really need is a cushion of support to help me pause, recover and heal.
I’ve been trying to survive in a state of trauma for decades. I can’t do it anymore.
I need to rest.
To those of you that see me (the ones that genuinely see me, not just my work) and want to support my wholeness, you can use v e n m o @ divinerobin.
There is a line in the movie that says “relentlessly, we will fight.”
These are my people.
Relentlessly, I will fight.
Please care for each other deeply, we aren’t meant to do this on our own.
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