Sunday Morning Vibes
(On A Saturday Afternoon)
*A reminder that the Palestine resource guide can be downloaded here.
“I’m sick of symbolic things, we are fighting for our lives.”
~Fannie Lou Hamer
Woke up today thinking about my years at the Inner Visions Institute for Spiritual Development with Rev. Dr. Iyanla Vanzant. This was before “Fix My Life.” I don’t know the tv personality - I know Mama Iya.
I learned about IVISD when I lived in Silver Spring, MD in 2000. I attended a book reading by E. Lynn Harris and when I arrived, the venue was a modest home near where I lived. Inside was a renovated into a bookstore with an event space in back and offices upstairs.
As soon as I walked in, I never wanted to leave. The energy felt like an embrace. The women on her team were dressed in white and introduced themselves as the Mama’s.
A room full of Mama’s - another reason I wanted to stay forever.
When the evening ended, I searched for any reason to stay for another moment. I slowly browsed the bookstore until one of the women in white caught my eye and gently gave me “you ain’t got to go home but you gotta get the hell outta here” look. As I headed towards the door, I turned to her and said “do you need volunteers?”
For the next year, I worked in the bookstore, sent out mailers and picked up lunch orders. On quiet days, I’d contently take a seat on the floor crosslegged and listen to their generous laughter and stories. But the times I’d cross paths with Mama Iya were the best. Without a word, she’d wrap me in a full body hug, kiss me on the forehead and then continue on wherever she was headed.
Those moments were everything to me.
As for the mailers, they were for future students at their 2 year IVISD Spiritual Life Development program. I wanted to enroll but it was out of my poor people budget.
Why it is so expensive to seek wellness?
Anyway, the Mama’s noticed my interest and offered me the opportunity to volunteer in exchange for tuition the following year.
I was supposed to arrive at Omega Institute on Friday July 13th to assist the new class at their 5 day retreat.
On July 9th, my Mom passed away.
The next day I was headed to the funeral home alone. I decided to stop by IVISD on and tell them I wouldn’t be able to attend because um, plans had changed.
I was in shock. As a result, I was calm. But the Mama I talked to burst into tears. She instantly cleared her entire day and helped me make arrangements for my own Mom. These women loved me. She called to check in that evening and mentioned that Iyanla wanted me to attend the retreat - as a student. She had waived the tuition. They knew I needed to be in community where I could held emotionally and physically. And so, that Friday I drove to the mountains of upstate New York.
This is lengthy as hell, stay with me…
Long story short, I didn’t last 24 hours. My heart was not ready. The love they tried to wrap me in was more than my broken heart could handle. I needed time to grieve. The next day, the women in white hesitantly sent me home.
I rejoined as a volunteer and years later, as a student. One reason I adored the vibes at IVISD was because of Sunday mornings.
Our monthly classes ran from Friday night to Sunday afternoon. It was three intense days of learning tools, processing emotions and practicing skills.
But Sunday Morn’, baby…
We’d silently gather in the lecture space, everyone was in white that day. The lights were lowered and the beautifully curated playlist would start. For the next hour (or however long spirit required) that was where you could receive or release whatever you were in need of.
Needed to be held? Find a Mama
Needed to scream? Let that shit out.
Want to wail on the floor? Pick your spot, beloved.
There was no judgment.
I’ll always remember the day I was mindin’ my business (thinking about Chinese food) and I felt a presence. I opened my eyes to see Mama Iya and her entire team in front of me. “We all heard your name at the same time” she said. Before I knew it, I was in the center of their circle. They spoke life into me. They prayed for my protection. They called on my ancestors. When I finally surrendered to the experience and collapsed in their arms weeping, they held me.
And then, I passed the fuck out.
I woke up to a juice box, a cookie and a smiling Mama Iya.
I don’t understand what happened but, I know I needed it. That day changed me.
As for today, I wearily started at 2am.
As I opened my eyes I yearned for a Sunday morning with the Mama’s.
I …I had so much to do.
I had to write this extended ass Substack
I had to update the Palestine Resource guide
I have to set up my Patreon because I need a steady income
I have to organize 500+ books for my Let’s Go to Mexico virtual Book Sale since my creative ideas so far have sucked and I’m trying this new one ‘cause I don’t know what else to do
I have to create an IG post for the Decolonized Community Care Fund to plead with donors because contributions have been sparse lately and we have a recipient who may be unhoused in the next five days if we can’t raise funds and dammit, no. This is not okay…
I’m exhausted.
I want space to cry, scream and be held.
But lmao, no.
This place gives no damns when it comes to the care of Black women.
Weekends don’t mean spit to me. If the day ends in “y” then I am at work. I don’t believe anyone truly understands that I don’t have the luxury to slow down.
If I do then I don’t survive.
We don’t exist in a society where a Black woman can say “I need space to rest” and then they receive it with ease. Instead, we’re forced to share our trauma stories, prove we’re worthy and beg for support from those who consume us.
This place constantly requires that I fight for pieces of my humanity.
I’m tired. I am tired. I AM TIRED.
I can’t scream any louder.
All this labor simply because I desire rest - make it make sense.
Black women deserve better.
But lemme end it here, I have work to do…
If you feel called to invest in my own healing and liberation, please click here.
I’ll leave you with this video.
I almost didn’t watch it because I ain’t got that kinda time, man! But it was worth it.
Slow down. Take a breath. Make time.
Trust me on this one.
We should have places like the one you described with the Mamas. We need that.