People Have Limits

(i'm not sure i'm gonna make it)

I’m not ok.

As a result, this post will be chaotic.

Please be easy with me.

But first, a PSA: please don’t add stress to the lives of folks who are already desperately trying to survive.

It’s cruel. Leave us alone.

In other news, I recently had my first dental appointment in 10 years and that shit sent me into a spiral of despair.

They started with my vital signs.

BP: 190 / 120
Heart rate: 95 bpm

The dental assistant side eyed me out of concern but I convinced her that it was nervousness. At the end of the exam, the doctor recommended emergency surgery for the next day.

The only reason I was able to schedule the surgery (the first of several) is because a kind human, who was contributing to my wellness monthly, asked if it would be helpful to have a lump sum of $1000 instead.

I paid for surgery and my storage bill. The money was gone in minutes.

The next day they rechecked my vitals - they were even higher.

Over the next two hours as they pulled broken teeth, I came to accept a few hard truths.

🚫 This is probably the only dental visit I’ll be able to have because I’m a poor

🚫 It’s unlikely that I’ll ever have the resources I need to deeply rest

🚫 Stress will probably kill me

My life has been built on a foundation of trauma and poverty that I’ve held together with spit and glitter for decades.

If you’re like “um, get a better job” I would but I have c-ptsd. My brain is broken. As a result, I’ve delivered food with Uber eats for the past 5 years.

Yesterday I drove for 9 hours. After I put gas in the car and picked up food for Nico, I went home with $40.

Can you say hopeless?

My car was scheduled for repo on Monday.

I thought I could cover it with my overdraft protection but didn’t know my account was frozen. I reached out for help and a SECOND kind human sent me $1000. I paid the car note ($450, hey predatory car loan on a 2013 Honda), brought the account current and again, the money was gone in minutes.

It’s only a matter of time before I:

❌ Get evicted (again)
❌ Have my car repossessed (again)
❌ Die from stress (like my Mom)

I CAN’T FIX THIS.

I’m not bad with money. My problem with money is that I don’t have any.

Oh, and I checked my BP at home. My resting heart rate is 90bpm and I am, in fact, in a hypertensive crisis.

It wasn’t nerves.
I am stressed the fuck out.

I don’t have a point, I just needed to share.

As for me, I plan to sit at home, love up on my animals, and watch Steven Universe.

I’ve done all that I can do.

As Tricia Hersey says in Rest Is Resistance “let the chips fall where they may.”

I will rest, even if it ends me.