My Brain is Broken

This is What Life is Like

I want to share what my life is like with a broken brain.

I live with C-PTSD which is complex post-traumatic stress disorder. C-PSTD occurs when there is continual trauma that lasts for months or years.My own life has been four decades of untreated trauma. I’ve never had the time, resources or support I need to heal.Trauma impacts the brain the same way blunt force impacts our bones - it can cause a break.

How does this show up for me?

I can’t work.

A 9-5 job? Ain’t no way. My brain is unable to process new information.

I can’t remember shit to save my life

“Red means stop, green means go.” This is what I repeat my head as I drive because I can’t remember.

Text / calls / messages overwhelm the crap out of me.

I have limited brain space and it ain’t much. The majority of it is used on basic survival: remember to eat, give Nico the rescue pup his meds, take a shower…

When a text or call comes in, it instantly hijacks my train of thought. This is why it often take me hours, days or weeks to respond. I’m trying my damndest to focus on staying alive. If I never respond? Please see above. It’s not for lack of care, I probably don’t remember.

There are fifty-eleven other ways it impacts my executive function but I’ll leave it here.

Let’s change lanes for a moment. Imagine I have an untreated broken ankle. No one would ask me to do a task that requires the use of my broken body part. “What do you mean you can’t WALK down a flight of stairs? You just walk!”

That would be cruel.

If it’s my brain that’s broken? Suck it up and shut the hell up.

People often ask why I deliver food with Uber Eats even though it doesn’t cover my expenses. Why don’t you freelance for a magazine or ghostwrite?

Fair question. It’s mentally what my brain can handle.

Can I write? Absolutely.

With that said, writing a post requires barely any effort. I don’t have to search for words - they just kinda show up. On the other hand,  if you ask me to write an essay about *insert any topic* my brain shuts down and I can’t remember how to construct a sentence. 

Robin, why are you like this?

I feel unhinged at my inability to care for my basic needs as I fight against my own mind.

I absolutely believe I’ll be able to write my way out of poverty one day. But first, I have to deeply recover.

I need time to process decades of trauma.

I need space to reset my overwhelmed nervous system. 

I need to give my brain time to heal the same way I would a broken bone.

And then I can focus on ways to increase my income and improve the quality of my existence.

For now, this is my life with a broken brain.