Last Writes

The "I'm About to Be Homeless" Edition

A picture from 2021 when I lived in my car with my two cats, Nalo & Mila

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There needs to be an end of life service for people who don’t have anyone. A database where you can upload your final wishes and a kind human, one who understands the pain of a lonely life, will make sure they’re honored. I think it should be called Last Writes because those are the last words that we’ll share with the world.

I came up with this idea when my Mom passed away. 

She didn’t have family or friends but she had me. 

• I honored her final wishes which were written on looseleaf paper

• I gently packed her treasured record collection with love and gentleness

• I saved her favorite books - the earmarked ones filled with notes in the margins

I wasn’t much but I did my best.

Recently I’ve started to plan the end of my own life.

I purchased When I’m Gone: A Simple and Thoughtful End of Life Planner. It’s only available on Amazon but this was the one I wanted - I appreciate simple. But please be clear: we support independent Black Bookstores every damn day over here. 

Why have I started to plan for my death?

Because life feels bleak and hopeless.

I want to live but not like this.

This is not a life, it’s daily crisis management.

Why do I feel hopeless?

Because I’m a Black woman who lives in chronic poverty. Because I’ve never had a solid support system. Because I exist in a society that wasn’t built for my survival and only values my labor, not my life.

Oh. And I am very, very bad at capitalism.

I can’t figure this shit out to save my life and I’ve tried for decades.

I feel exhausted and out of options.

I’m grateful that I’m not afraid to die. My only fear about death is that is that I’ll be as lonely over there as I am here. 

Can I cease to exist in any form? Is that an option? 

As for my own last wishes, it barely took me an hour to write them out.

• Please take my body out of racist ass Ohio and cremate me literally anywhere else

• Donate any items of use to families of the Black Fairy Godmother

• As for my ashes, scatter them in Mexico - bring my Mom too. I’ve tried to spread her ashes several times but could never let her go.

• My adorable little old lady cats, Nalo and Mila. I’ve had them for over ten years, they need to stay together. Mila is the sweetest and will melt your heart. Nalo will hurt your feelings on a daily basis. Please take care of my girls.

• Oh my sweet traumatized Nico. He doesn’t need an owner - he needs a Kahu. In Hawaiian, a Kahu is a beloved attendant, steward or honored guardian. Please love him exactly as he is. He’s been so harmed, be gentle with my boy. 

Then reality set in.

It occurred to me that no one would read my final wishes. 

Who would know the book existed? I’m alone.

• My littles would be taken to a shelter

• My apartment would be cleared out by a junk company 

• My unclaimed body would be placed in a basic random grave

No, I reject that. I deserve a good death.

This is where Last Writes would step in. 

It could work like this: 

1. I’d list Last Writes as my beneficiary 

2. I’d upload my final wishes to the database. 

3. Upon my death, I’d be matched with a “next of kin” 

Last Writes would use my life insurance to cover the costs of my final wishes and give a monetary gift of appreciation to my attendant. 

This could be a final act of community (after life) care. 

I’m grateful for the beautiful work of Death Doula’s such as A Sacred Passing. 

However, their purpose is to create a peaceful transition. After that, the family or their community carries out the last wishes. 

Last Writes is for those of us who don’t have anyone.

This idea is close to my heart as my own time feels limited. You don’t have to believe me, it’s ok.  I’m close to homelessness for the fifth time in my adult life and I refuse to live in my car again. I refuse to live in my car again.

I’d rather end my time here. 

And thank you for your kind offers, but no. It wouldn’t help to temporarily stay in your spare bedroom while I figure life out. 

• I need money. 

• I need healthcare

• I need affordable housing 

• I need to care for my basic needs

• I need to move to Mexico for my safety

I need a miracle.

And while this situation feels impossible, the spirit of my ancestors continue to remind me of the truth: there is always a way even if I can’t see it.

I desperately need resources to relocate - temporarily to Atlanta and then to Mexico.

My apartment has been packed, I could leave in a week.

Goal amount: $5000

($2000 for moving expenses and $3000 for a month in an AirBnB)

I’ll figure out the rest once I’m there…

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Life is such a precious gift and I want to embrace every moment. I truly believe I can create a beautiful reality, one beyond my own imagination!

But I can’t do it alone. I’ve tried so damn hard and failed.

I need help.

Please know that once I make it to the other side of this oppressive existence and I’m writing my Poverty Sucks book on a beach in Mexico, I’ll pay every ounce of kindness and support I’ve received forward.

And for real, I’ll find a way to create Last Writes because we all deserve someone.

We weren’t meant to do life alone.