I Wanna Quit

The "Ego Tripping" Edition

Thank you, Ancestors - Nikki Giovanni, bell hooks, Langston Hughes, Audre Lorde, James Baldwin and Maya Angelou.

“The world is not a pleasant place to be without someone to hold and be held by. “

@elevatingaccess, lessons from Nikki Giovanni

Yesterday my favorite podcast (The Read) didn’t release their regular Thursday episode. Instead it came out early today. And since I was wide awake after another night of sleeplessness, I played it the moment I saw the notification.

Without apology or shame, one of the hosts shared that the show was late because he wanted to end his life this week. If you’re familiar with Kid Fury, then you know this is a frequent battle for him.

In an way, hearing that was a comfort because, hard same.

I am tired of trying.

I turned 49 on Wednesday. Birthdays always take me to a reflective space. This year all I felt was hopeless, pathetic and lonely as fuck.

And before you write “noooo, we want you to be here!” lemme stop you right there.

I appreciate that but, my life sucks.

I wanna be here too! Just not like this. I’ve spent five decades trying to survive chronic poverty. This isn’t a life, it’s daily crisis management.

Walk with me for a moment…

• I’ve had three hugs this entire year. I have two friends. I can count how often I’ve spent quality time with another human on one hand. There are people who care deeply about me (thank you, I love you) and yet, my heart aches for more. I need physical touch, in person coffee dates and someone who can look in my eyes and see that I am not ok without having to say a word. Please hear me when I say that I am not ok.

• I’ve been attempting to immigrate to Mexico for my safety and sanity as a Black woman for the past few years. I’ve tried GoFundMe, building income steams with my writing on Substack and Patreon and creating digital products such as the 2024 Holiday Black Business Guide. And *checks notes* I continue to be stuck in trash ass Ohio. Meanwhile, the former GOP representative Michael Grimm (who voted against the Affordable Care Act to block healthcare access for millions of Americans) was paralyzed in September when he was thrown from his polo pony. His Polo pony. As a result, he started a GoFundMe to help pay for his recovery. Amount raised in 30 days: $722,801. *Insert tired negro sigh.*

• Last year I had (crowdfunded) cataract eye surgery. And because I didn’t receive the quality care I deserved, I had to have several corrective surgeries. Now instead of one pair of glasses, I have to use two - fun! Was the lack of care due to regular ol’ incompetence or medical racism since mine was the only Black face I ever saw there - who can say?

• I am seriously over talking about this but, I sprained my ankle at a local business in April. I actually have a decent personal injury case. I wouldn’t do it for a payday - I just want to afford physical therapy to help me regain the feeling in my leg and walk without a limp. However, not only am I’m financially poor, I’m time poor as well. I don’t have the financial resources or the emotional bandwidth to find a lawyer and figure out how to file a lawsuit. Listen, there isn’t a litigious bone in my body but I’d sue in a heartbeat. If I had time.

• I barely sleep. I mean, lmao yes, I’m in bed at a crisp 5pm. And yet, I only manage 3 or 4 hours of sleep every night. I’ve tried sleepy time teas, edibles, magnesium and Ativan. However, it hasn’t helped because none of it creates a sense of safety. My last full night of uninterrupted rest was July 4th, 2023. I remember the date because I was at a friends house (turned out she wasn’t a genuine friend but that ain’t the point) and I asked if we could share a bed - she consented without hesitation. And it wasn’t sexual. I simply yearned for a night of deep rest. Baby, the way that I passed out in less than a minute. A chronic lack of sleep has severely impacted every area of my existence.

All of this to say, my life is trash.

For decades I’ve continued to show up, put in the effort and hold hope!

But now - I is tired.

From the depths of my spirit, I am exhausted in a way that I can’t even express.

The only fear I have about death is that I’ll be as lonely over there as I am here. There isn’t anyone I want to see on the other side - not even my Mom. As long as she’s living her best (after)life, then there’s no reason for us to reconnect. Love you down, Ma. But we cool.

I have no idea how to escape the Cycle Of Suck™ I’m stuck in.

But dammit, I refuse to quit! At least not today.

Ways you can support my wellness, my writing and my escape to Mexico?

1. If you’re a free subscriber, upgrade to a paid subscription

2. Purchase a copy of the 2024 Holiday Black Business Guide with over 425+ Black woman owned businesses (and 50+ independent bookstores!)

3. Send a cuppa of support via Buy Me a Coffee or Direct Community Care

Venmo:@divinerobin

Cashapp: $divinerobin

Paypal: practicecommunitycare@gmail.com

When I started selling the holiday guide, I realized that if I sold 500 copies then I could really move to Mexico. 438 more and I can get the hell up outta Ohio! If ol’ boy can raise a quarter of a million while being an actively terrible human, then I’m sure I can sell $15k of a product that actually adds value by helping others to be conscious consumers.

I’ll leave you with this top tier scene from A Different world when they performed “Ego Tripping” by Nikki Giovanni.

“I am so perfect so divine so ethereal so surreal
I cannot be comprehended except by my permission

I mean...I...can fly
like a bird in the sky...”