I Wanna Live

But It's Really, Really Hard

TW: self harm, suicide 

This is not about Beyoncé. 

Honestly, I barely notice her in the picture. This is about the two people beside her. 

Mainly, Kid Fury. If you know, you know. 

Kid Fury and Crissles host a podcast called The Read that I’ve listened to for the past eleven years. Kid Fury has been extremely open about his mental health battles since the podcast started. I’m not a pop culture stan by any means, you couldn’t pay me to care.

Cardi who? Taylor what? 

However, his genuineness about his pain is why I’ve stayed tuned in to every episode. If he’s having a shit day, then that’s how he shows up. There are certain episodes when I feel as though he’s the only person in the world I relate to. 

Kid Fury attempted to end his life last year. 

He took a break from the show and checked into a program for help. 

His comment section was filled with kind words saying how relieved and grateful they were that he was alive. As for me, my heart ached. Please understand, I’m glad he’s here as well. Kid Fury is a light in this dark world. And yet, he has no clue how brightly he shines or the impact he’s made in the lives of others - mine included. 

My spirit was broken because I know how it feels to fight every damn day to stay alive. I know how it feels to live with a voice in your head that constantly screams “just fucking end it, loser” because who cares. I know how it feels to walk past razor blades and double back because “a couple dozen cuts would really ease the pain tonight.”

This is my everyday life. It hurts. 

I’m grateful that people love me and want me to be here but, I don’t wanna be.

And if I don’t want to be here, then what’s the point?

My brain is cruel as fuck and I don’t know how else to escape.

How does Beyoncé fit in this? Stay with me…

Fury and Crissles have loved her from day one. They’ve been to every tour (even back when they were broke) and have dedicated entire two hour episodes to stan projects she releases with her manager, Blue Ivy. 

Last week, they met Beyoncé. To be clear, Beyoncé requested to meet with them. They had no clue what was about to happen until the moment arrived. 

After their visit, Fury wept in Crissles arms. 

On the latest episode, Fury shared this as he held back tears:

“I wanna live, I wanna be old, I wanna make stuff that matters. I wanna feel that I can better go to war with the part of me that lies and destroys.” 

That moment validated the beauty of life for him. 

It made him want to be here. It made him want to live. 

I want to be here too. I want to live. 

Do I need to meet Queen Bey to make that happen? Nah.

My need is different - I need to feel as though I belong here. I need to feel that my life has value. I need to feel as though I have people.

Last year, I felt that type of love for the first time in my life. I crossed paths with a human who showed me a depth of care that I had never experienced.

We became friends.

For a handful of months, my shattered heart felt whole.

I felt as though I belonged in this world.

I wanted to live. 

One time we were in my apartment and out of the blue, I dropped to my knees and openly wept in gratitude for her presence in my life.

If you know the end of this story, then you know it didn’t end well. My already fragile emotional state was devastated by her sudden absence. It’s been nearly a year and I have yet to recover. 

Often I wish I had never met her but, that’s not true. Did she cause me an immense amount of grief that nearly ended me? Absolutely. But do you know what else? She showed me that every piece of me was lovable. She taught me that I deserved time and attention. She created space for my pain without judgment. 

In spite of my rage, I’ll always cherish the part she played in my life that afforded me moments of healing. I continue to miss her care.

I’m unclear what it’ll take to make me want to live - for now, I’m here. 

As for whatever’s ahead, I hope I’m here to see it.