I Am Exhausted By Whiteness
Some Folks Will Read That as 'White People' and That's a You Problem
I am exhausted by whiteness
Some folks will read that as “white people” and that’s a you problem.
Yesterday I had a meltdown in the P.F. Changs while picking up an order to deliver for Uber eats.
I live in Ohio. Racist ass Ohio. Living here as a Black person is hateful.
I live in a state of hypervigilence.
I’m an underresourced Black gay woman in ‘merica, my life expectancy is already crisp. I can only imagine how much shorter it’ll be from living here.
If you think I’m being dramatic then kindly fuck off.
My Mom passed away at the age of 49 out of the blue.
I turn 48 on Sunday.
When she died, I was devastated. I was also relieved because I knew she could finally rest.
Racial trauma, racial stress and racial violence have shortened our lifespans for generations.
This is one of the reasons I’m moving to Mexico.
I’m weary from the trauma this country continues to throw at us without acknowledgement, accountability or repair.
Whatever time I have left here, I want to savor it, not just survive it.
And that’s why I had the meltdown - because I don’t know if it’ll ever happen.
- I have C-ptsd from four decades of trauma
- I work low paying gig work jobs because it’s all my brain can handle
- I don’t have the financial resources, emotional spoons or support I need to take the actions that will actually help me change my life
How in the hell am I supposed to fix this?
In the middle of PF Changs, I realized that this may be my life. The grief of that thought overwhelmed me.
I’m trying my damndest to hold on until I make it to Mexico but I don’t know if I can. I’m clear that moving to Mexico (much like psychedelics) won’t fix all of my problems. However, I’m kinda confident that living in a place that doesn’t actively despise my existence and attempt to end my life on a regualr basis will be a damn fine start.
I just wanna go home, wherever that is.